Soooo I'm backk!!
Here I am. In Waunakee, Wisconsin.
This is my blog to go ahead and talk about how freaking hard this has already been.
Today is Wednesday. I got back Sunday. 3 days...and I'm so close to throwing in the towel and just going back.

Adjusting is a bitch. It's extremely weird for me. Everyone asks "how are you, how do you feel?" and all I ever say is weird. It's the best way to describe how I feel.
It's not that I'm not happy and it's not that I'm not sad. Because I'm a little of both. I'm frustrated for sure. Frustrated at how much work I have to put in to just a normal conversation with my friends. Frustrated by some of the stupid things I say that don't make sense to anyone here. Frustrated by the constant reminded that I shouldn't throw out random Croatian words.
I'm mostly frustrated. And it's at myself. Not anyone else. Just me.

When I first got home and we were driving into Waunakee for the first time since I left, the feeling I had was weird. Strange. I need more synonyms for weird.
Looking around, smelling the air, feeling that feeling of comfort. I knew where I was. I knew who lived there. I have friends here. I have family here. I had a life here. I know how to get to places here. I know this place. It's my home, has been for majority of my life growing up. It's familiar to me.
But I thought that as soon as I saw it I would be hit with this waterfall of excitement and comfort and familiarity and I would be happy with it.
I mean I guess I felt the comfort and familiarity to it all. But it didn't hit me hard and there wasn't a lot of excitement to it.

It's just so weird to me, because yes, I know this place like the back of my hand.
But it;s like a dream to me. I'm walking around places I haven't seen in a year, I'm hugging my mom, I'm driving past my high school, I'm talking with my friends. It brings me happiness, no problems with that.
But it's like I never left. Like this has been my life for a while now.
I'm living here as if I never left. But then I start to think about how I got here and what I was doing before and where I was last month. And it all seemed to have slipped my mind. It doesn't fit the pieces of my life here. It doesn't work with Emma in Waunakee.
That's when it starts to feel like a dream. Being home.

To add to that, I just feel funny. Last week I was excited to see my family, friends, cats, room, town...everything. But now that I finally have it...I feel...WEIRD. I don't think I regret coming home. I don't, I love my family, so no worries. I just...don't feel normal here. I feel out of place. I'm not the same as I was before I left and I'm constantly pushing myself to become the old Emma so I can fit in.
I don't expect people to change for me. That I will never ask. But I don't want to lose everything I've gained this past year.
I don't want to change, but I more than anything don't want to be that annoying exchange student who talks to much about my year abroad, brags about my own life, thinks everyone else is jealous when they get sick of hearing it, and basically puts myself above everyone else. That cannot be me. Ever.

Everything is so extremely hard. Everything! I was not prepared for that. I always knew things would feel weird when I got back, and they sure do. But I was not prepared for it to be so difficult for me.
Everyone sort of expects me to be a certain way or something. And when I don't deliver, I get funny faces or rude responses. I'm doing everything I possibly can, and it's not good enough. I feel so out of body. I feel out of every zone of comfort I've ever had. I don't know who I am. I'm confused. I'm lost. And the worst part is that there is nothing anyone can do. I just have to learn from mistakes. It's all I can do. Or just sit in my room until college. But I'd rather have a life.

So here I am, confused, frustrated, feeling confused, and missing Croatia like crazy.

I'll update everyone again, one last time on here, about how I've adjusted.

Stay cool.
And...not weird.

laters

So I leave Croatia in 17 hours.
Real soon. I'll be home in about 31 hours with my family.

How I feel right now is not clear.
I have no idea.
Well...okay honesty.
I'm kind of anxious. I don't know if it's that I'm excited. But I'm not completely happy. I'm sad to be saying goodbye, but at this point I've said it so many times already that it's already gone through my system and it doesn't hurt as much as it did.
I'm sick of sitting around waiting to go home. That's the worst feeling ever. After watching two of my friends already go home this past week, being in Croatia without them feels funny. It's not like my life revolved around them, but for some reason it still doesn't feel right. And Croatia doesn't have the same meaning to me that it used to when I was with all of my friends. So it's not exactly as comfortable as it used to be, I guess. Which kills me to say. It's strange to think that I can't be in Croatia totally alone and feel at home. But like the cheesy saying says "home is where the heart is" and my heart is with all of my friends, not completely just for this country (not saying I don't love this country though)
So coming home feels right. It's like the scary part in a movie. When you hear the music, you foresee that something is going to pop out. You know it's going to happen, which makes you feel even more stupid when it still makes you jump. You just sit there and have to watch it unfold even though you know what is going to happen, and you can't just jump past it. You have to sit there and watch the whole thing.
That's how I feel.
I knew this was coming, I see it coming, it's going to happen, I'm going home tomorrow. I just hate sitting around watching my days disappear, watching friends get on their airplanes and fly back to their families, packing and then unpacking and then repacking and then weighing and then unpacking some more (one of the most frustrating things ever!)
side note
I HATE PACKING!
FUCK THAT!
It has pissed me off so much this past week, I'm sorry for the rude langauge. But seriously. I mean I know I've shopped this year, but I didn't freaking bye a whole mall. Why is it that I have to give away more than half my clothes?!? Not fair. I've even given up shoes and a purse! FORRIZZLES! Why don't you just rip my heart out while your at it, airport regulations!
My Rotary club gave me some money though as a going away present 3 days before I leave, I'm not exactly sure what they'd want me to spend it on anyways. And I plan on using that to help pay for my overweight fees I'll be getting at the airport.

Anyways, I don't really feel like discussing my feelings. But I know I might want to know how I was feeling later on in life, and it can't hurt just having it somewhere in writing. Also I bet everyone back home is curious as to how I'm feeling right now.
I'm not depressed, not anymore.
I'm not super excited.
I'm not happy.
I'm not sad.
I'm confused, anxious, nervous, unsure, and any other emotion that can vaguely describe my feelings.

Alright I'm going to kava (coffee) with my friends one last time before I go.

Meow.

Bok bok. Vidimo se uskoro (nadam se)

Alrighty so I know I just blogged a few days ago, but since I'm running out of days of "Emma meeting Croatia", I figured I can do what I want.
Anyways, Dani left yesterday morning.
I broke down and bawled me eyes out.
Before she left she gave us a short little speech about how much she loves us and how this year wouldn't be what it was without us and how she learned from us and a lot more things that just make me want to cry.
But she said this one thing that stuck inside my head.
(by the way, Dani is probably the best person at blogging and giving speeches and well talking overall. She's very tactful, SAT vocab word! and I find her blogs to be the most inspiring and beautiful and honest and  yadayadayada.)
Anyways, she said "this is goodbye to this year, not goodbye to you guys"
I mean hello, you can't become this close to other people and share this much with them to never see them again.
So she's right.
We're saying goodbye to the coffee dates, the beautiful coastline, the stern strangers, the convenient public transportation, the bitch language, the chain smokers, the endless parties at the nightclubs.
We're saying bye to Croatia. Bye to our exchange.
It has to end, otherwise our time here wouldn't feel so precious and valuable. We have to say goodbye so we realize how important everything is to us. It sucks, but I understand.

I also said bye to my first host family. We went out to dinner and I met their daughter, Paula, who was in Indiana and just came home. She's just as crazy and funny as her family. I'm happy I got to meet her. Being with my first host family made me realize how much I have missed them. And how much I will. They were always nice and caring and gave me independence and always trying to feed me. I'll miss Veronika and her stupid comebacks when I make fun of her. I'll miss her terrible ghetto talk and sad southern accent. I'll miss us playing cards and quoting movies and eating desserts in Zadar with her grandparents. I'll miss Zana's help making fun of Veronika. I'll miss talking to them about the history of Croatia (one of my favorite topics because I'm a nerd). I'll miss them trying to force feed me. I'll miss the Pedic family. They were the best first host family I could ever ask for.

I'm ready to come home and see my family though.
I've been without Danielle Worthman for one day, and I've realized already how pointless it is for me here now without all of us here together. It just feels weird to know I'm leaving soon, Laura leaves soon, Dani is already gone...with me knowing that things are ending and in a way already have ended, I want to be home. I want to start the next chapter of my life. I'm reads to get this party started!
Start my summer job, figure out which college I'm going to...
OMG! Spectacularastic news! I found out that one of the kids who got the scholarship from DePaul dropped out and I was one of the alternates, soooo I GOT THE SCHOLARSHIP!!!
YIPPEEEE SKIPPER DOOBIES!
Now we are revising my financial aid, and figuring out if that'll still be enough for me to go. If not...milwauakee...

Anyways though. I'm ready to meet my new niece, hug my already crazy niece, give my little sister shit again, be embarrassed of my brother, and laugh at my older sister.
Not to mention roll my eyes at my mom's "jokes" and run away from my dad's "dancing"
and there's VEGGIE MEALS!
I don't get a lot of soy burgers here in Croatia, just potatoes and mushrooms and rice and noodles and other vegetables. Don't get me wrong, I love the food. But soy meals are what is home to me.

Back to my family
Quick story
I was skyping with them [for the last time] and usually I skype with my little sister, Leah, last and that's when everyone leaves the room to go do what they gotta do. And Leah sits down and we start talking and then my dad and my older sister, Sara, start making noises in the background. And Leah turns around and says "Why are you still here" And Sara responds "It's what we do, we linger"

My family in a nutshell.
Crazy, loud, annoying, and lingering.

It made me laugh.

Anyways I'll wrap this baby up. I'll be home in 3 days.
I hate packing. My room is a mess and I can't get everything to fit in the suitcases :(
booo
ok laterss

see ya on the flip side!

Alrighty then
So i just got back from Euro tour like a few days ago.
FUCKING AMAZINGGG!
As anyone would guess, i'm sure.
I traveled all around Europe, no big deal. Saw lots of things i had never dreamed of ever seeing and now i can say oh I've been there or yea i saw that or yea it's not that big or pretty or something cool like that. i'm not as naive as some people may think anymore...well i'm not saying i'm not spacey anymore because that unfortunately is a life-term illness of mine, but still, it's an improvement.
Here's a little bit of an inside look on what i thought about some of the places i went to.

Prague
Beautiful. Extremely beautiful. It's baffling and i could stare at it for hours and be entertained.
We only got to spend like 3 hours touring the city then had to head back to the hotel for the night and had to leave early in the morning. But if i had had more time in Prague it might have been honestly one of my favorite places.

Amsterdam
Let me just say one thing first. Boys in the Netherlands= Gods on Earth.
I have never seen anything more beautiful or heavenly. They are all gorgeous! ALL! which is hard to believe i understand. But for reals. They are yummy scrumscious and delicious.
Amsterdam was beautiful too. I believe it has the highest amount of bicyclists in the world. Bikes. Everywhere. Everyone was on a bike and bikes littered the streets and sidewalks and everything.
We took a gander around the Red Light Zone (which apparently Melissa Hansen knew all about)
I sent in my resume to a few places.
Joking.
I did not buy any illegal substances, so everyone chillax. I did happen to find a beautiful shirt with britney's face on it though and got that baby.

Dresden
Adorable and quaint. Not much else to say (we only spent lunch there).

Brugges
Delicious chocolate! Best chocolate ever. And i'm not exactly a big chocolate fan. But whoa! And i had me some good ol' Belgium waffles. YUMMMSS! Seriously best way to gain weight, travel. I got my family some chocolate so they better love me forevers. The town was pretty too. Tiny and cute buildings.

Paris
WHOOOOA!
One of my most favoritests (new word) places ever! The other kids thought it was kind of over-done in movies and stuff. But it's one of the place i've always wanted to go and it was just as perfect as i had imagined! absolutely breath taking. I would love to live there, just without all the tourists. That has got to get annoying. Only like 5% of the people i think i ever saw were not actually from the area. But i sat by Le Louvre and chilled by putting my feet in the fountain and enjoyed my life. I sat by the Eiffel tower drinking French wine (omgomg give me a break, you gotta live a little some times, i mean hello it was FRENCH WINE, i will not pass up the only opportunity anytime soon to drink French wine in France by the Eiffel tower on a beautiful day). I walked down Champs Elysees. spoke some French. bought far too many souvenirs and spent far too much money. Paris is beautiful, no doubt, but it's also expensive, so that's another reason why i probably can't live there.

Barcelona
Hmm....i guess my thought of Barcelona isn't normal. Barcelona, first off, is crawling with pick pocketers. they are everywhere. I caught someone unzipping my bag (he ran away before i could bitch slap him). The souvenir shop workers are ass holes and change the prices (unreasonably as you can imagine). The weather wasn't that great either, which have may had a big effect on how i see Barcelona. I thought it was sketchy, and it was annoying how paranoid I became. The sights were pretty, but like I said, the weather wasn't that great so I don't think things looked as pretty as they should have. I went into Barcelona not knowing much and not being too excited and hoping to be amazed...but I wasn't...unfortunately.
But the other exchangers said it was artsy and beautiful and the people were awesome and chill.
I don't remember much about seeing artsy people and I felt like the people that were trying to get me to go bar crawling with them were sleazy. Maybe I'm a little too negative...who knows.

Italy
FREAKING BEAUTIFUL!
I LOOOVE italy!
I love Paris
But I LOOOOVE italy!
The entire country is beautiful! If I could choose one country to live in, it would without a doubt be Italy.
I remember once my mother told me a story about how she went travelling around Europe by train. She told me that she got to Italy and right after she got off the train there were about eight different Italians who were calling at her and whistling so she said she got back on the train and left.
If I had been her I would have gotten me some numbers and had me some plans lined up for the next few months.
I love them Italian boys.
I ain't say I'm some kind of slut or anything. But it's always reassuring to hear from the Italians about how good you look. For reals. If you have any self confidence issues, just walk on over to Italy. Guaranteed you will feel like Gisele Bundchen when you leave. Forrizzles.
But Italian boys aside, the buildings were like nothing I've ever seen. The beaches were like none I have ever swam in. The pizza is like none I've ever eaten. The coffee was like none I have ever drank.  And of course seen boys like I've never seen before.
Not to mention how emotional Italian people can be. When they are mad, they are MAD. When they are happy, they are HAPPY. Very expressive. I LOOVE IT!
I want to learn Italian and go to Italy.

Monaco
Tiny, beautiful. It looked a lot like A coastal town in Croatia but richer and more touristic. It wasn't as historical as Croatian coastal towns seem. It seemed like a really redone version basically. Me and Laura and Lizzy and Dorothy spent 8 euro on a little 30 minute train tour. We looked really cool with our headphones on, each having our own row in the train (which normally seats 4 people) sliding from side to side to take pictures of everything and waving at fellow exchangers walking around. We defined cool.

Andorra
Cheap electronics! I didn't buy any because I don't need any and have no room. But they were cheap. And good perfume. I got some good stuff. But I mean it was super dooper tiny. Tinier than Waunakee. The landscape was pretty. But we only spent like 2 hours there, so I don't really know what to really say about it.


There's my little summary
Now to reality in Zagreb. My home. I leave on Sunday, the 19th. It's extremely depressing. Like seriously. It honest to God gives me a serious kick in the stomach every time I think about it. How can I possibly dream about leaving this place? How could I imagine living without these people? How will I feel this at home again?
I mean the answer is simple. I know. But I still ask, even if I know the answer.

Dani leaves tomorrow.
9 in the morning
I will be there. With my heart ready to break as she flies away.
Will I see her again, will I ever have a friend like her, will life still be just as enjoyable without any of my Croatian family?

Forrizzles, I'm being serious about all of this. It sounds sappy and pathetic. But I'm on the edge of breaking down. And it will take a hell lot of work to be okay with not being in Croatia.
I'm a mess.

I said bye to Emily and Lizzy when they took their train to Varazdin from Zagreb after Euro-tour. I know I'll see Lizzy again at Grand Rapids. And Emily comes to Wisconsin a lot with her family because she used to live there. But having to say good bye is never as easy as it seems, no matter how many excuses there are to not cry. So I was bawling. Like a pathetic little girl watching The Notebook.

Life is getting hard. This is the hardest part. This is where I grow weak. This is where I break down. This is where everything falls apart and there's no way to fix it.

Here we go.



Okay I'm going now. I have to go party with Dani on her last night. Won't be home early, that's all I'm saying. My last night with one of the bestest friends I've ever had. The world could not be anymore cruel.

Laters everyone!






Also, side note.
I've noticed that I make lots of spelling, grammar, and just stupid mistakes in my blogs. So I applaud you if you understand the gibberish I write that I pretend is English. Good job

So the last blog was a little depressing. I was running on two hours of sleep and I had just gotten back from a farewell party, so everything was kind of in a gloomy mood basically.
But I won't lie, it's not like that was the only time I felt like that.
With this year winding down, my time has become more precious. Months turned into weeks, turned into days, turned into hours, minutes, and soon enough everything will count by the second.
I leave for Euro-tour tonight.
I'm super pumped, for obvious reasons. And all of the Zagreb kids will be together for the last three weeks we have together. We already discussed that there will be tears on the trip, but hopefully we can hold it together until the end.
I've said it before, and I'll say it again.
These people here are my family. They are my life. No one can possibly understand what I go through like they do. I tell them everything and anything. I can't say I've been as close to a lot of my friends back home as I am close to these guys. It is seriously heartbreaking to know I can't live my life in Wisconsin with them.
Facebook and skype save our asses, that's for sure, but just like a long distanced relationship, there's only so much you can do and say over skype. There comes a point when you just feel alone, without them.

Also I know reverse culture shock is going to kick my ass when I get home. If I thought the initial culture shock was hard, I have a whole lot of work in store for me when I get home. It's going to be hardddd!

But I won't get too sappy and down in this blog because I need to be excited!
I'm starting a trip around Europe tonight!!!
We get on a 9:15 train to Salzburg. We get to Salzburg at 4 a.m. where we switch trains to Linz and get tehre around 8 I believe and then have to hangout until the Austrian exchangers get there around 10 and then first stop Prague.
I'm overwhelmed with a lot of different emotions it's hard to say how I feel like right now.
Most people ask if I'm excited and I say not really.
Then they ask if I'm sad, and I say not yet really.
I don't know how I feel. I'm really good at analyzing everything and everything else.
But when it comes to analyzing oneself... it's a whole different story. You'd think it'd be easier...but I'm not sure of myself for the most part...so I can't say I'm sure about how I feel.
HONESTY!!
Dani would be so proud of me.
Honesty is taking over my life and I've realized sometimes honesty is not soo good.
My mother told me that I shouldn't feel ashamed of my actions and shouldn't feel people are judging me, especially if I don't tell them what I did.
I guess she means I shouldn't share every story I've had this year because there's the possibility someone will judge me because they don't fully understand the life of an exchange student.
So once again, my tongue is out to ruin my life.
I seriously need to keep my thoughts to myself...being outspoken and opinionated is a real curse because it only makes people pissed at you.
So yes...offsubject Emma...again...

Main point to this blog
I LEAVE TONIGHT TO TRAVEL AROUND EUROPE!

Our destinations are Prague, Hannover, Amsterdam, Rotterdam, Bruges, Paris (for three days!), Toulouse, Barcelona (for three days!), Avignon, Monaco, Lavagna, Lucca, Piza, Florence, Jesolo, Venice and then Innisbrook. In a matter of 17 days!

Then I come back to Zagreb for a week then back my bags and come home :(

I'll put up pictures of europe when I get back!
AHH!!!

Short blog. I know, it must be a relief for you.

I'm not okay.

I'm confused, unsure, upset, unaware, afraid, sad, angry, annoyed...the list honestly goes on and on.

There are a number of things that bring about these feelings.
I'm leaving soon. Dealing with reverse culture shock. Family problems. Saying goodbye to Croatia.
It's strange to think of how unsettling it all is right now. If I could I would just stay right here forever so I don't have to worry about going home and having to deal with everything that is causing me to feel this extreme anxiety. I don't want to deal. I don't want to bother. I just want to stay happy here where I am.
But the show must go on...

This is not a good feeling. What-so-ever.

Sooo I'm bored. And it's 12:46 at night and I'm tired, but I have this feeling that I don't want to sleep. I don't know if I'm the only one who's ever had this feeling, but here it is, and I kind of like it.
I've also been playing around on StumbleUpon. For those dinosaurs out there, it's this website where you select all you're interest, click stumble, and are taken to a random webpage that lies in one of the categories of interests.

Which led me to a quote page.
And since I'm feeling a little philosophical, I'll share with ya'll some of my favorite quotes.
(If you skip this blog, I totally understand. Not much of this has to do with Croatia at all. This is just an Emma blog)


There never was a good war or a bad peace.


In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.


All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.


God, please save me from your followers.


If the lessons of history teach us anything it is that nobody learns the lessons that history teaches us.




There’s so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?




It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.




Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated


A fool thinks himself to be wise, but a wise man knows himself to be a fool.


I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.


The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.




Okay, so yeah. Those are pretty much my favorite quotes. I would honestly say I live my life by these, or at least want to.


During this year, I would say I have become a whole lot more honest. Not like I used to lie a lot, or much at all. But holding back information or letting someone be mislead is no different then a flat out untrue statement. And this year (with plenty of help from Dani and her need for honesty) I just say more. Which makes me look dumb sometimes. But I feel like it's more important to make an effort in some situations then to not take part at all. Or to just be a little more upfront. I've always been outgoing, but it's not the same as upfront.
I can be an in your face kind of person, but only with the right people. I feel like there's a part somewhere in those characteristics that have changed, hopefully for the better.


Also, another shout to my home-girl Dani, in my birthday card from her she wrote something about never changing my straight-forward self and to keep on saying what's on my mind. Granted, it's sometimes best to hold one's tongue. But still, I'm glad to hear things like that. I won't brag, but I won't act ignorant about knowing myself. I appreciate the things Dani says to me. Even if it's "I didn't like you in the beginning because I thought you were obnoxious" (lovely, I know)


I was having a conversation with a friend while they were extremely intoxicated. He said to me that stupid people are more interesting. They ask interesting questions and keep people entertained. Smart people never ask interesting questions because they only have the answers, never the curiosity. They only have the answers. Then he went on to compare smart people to horses. You know the one's that wear those things on their heads during races to keep them looking straight ahead. Smart people are horses who run straight, and it's boring. He said me and him were the horses who ran around going off track and doing as we please. Insightful words from a drunk man. He also mentioned we would get married, him wanting to get a tattoo of an octopus, he's old obsession with speaking English with a Russian accent, and how he's dating a cougar. Very interesting indeed.


Since I'm so bored and feel like blogging and in this deep look inside yourself mood, here's a true test of my honesty. (Whatever frenemies or even bluntly enemies I have ever had will be having kittens when or if they see this)


Things that scare Emma Hansen the most.
1. Being actually thought of as stupid, especially when it involves not being taken seriously.
2. Limitations.
3. Being ignorant.
4. Having a serious relationship with a member of the opposite sex.
5. Not being able to cheer someone up or make someone laugh.
6. Watching suffering and not do anything.
7. Flying.
8. Growing up.
9. Being the bad guy.
10. Losing.
11. Knowing the truth.






There's more, trust me, I'm definitely not a simple person, contrary to popular belief.
But that's as deep as Emma is willing to go at 2:24 A.M.
(I've been distracted while writing this, it didn't actually take me 2 hours to write)
















Also!
I have more pictures to add!
Enjoy