Soooo I'm backk!!
Here I am. In Waunakee, Wisconsin.
This is my blog to go ahead and talk about how freaking hard this has already been.
Today is Wednesday. I got back Sunday. 3 days...and I'm so close to throwing in the towel and just going back.

Adjusting is a bitch. It's extremely weird for me. Everyone asks "how are you, how do you feel?" and all I ever say is weird. It's the best way to describe how I feel.
It's not that I'm not happy and it's not that I'm not sad. Because I'm a little of both. I'm frustrated for sure. Frustrated at how much work I have to put in to just a normal conversation with my friends. Frustrated by some of the stupid things I say that don't make sense to anyone here. Frustrated by the constant reminded that I shouldn't throw out random Croatian words.
I'm mostly frustrated. And it's at myself. Not anyone else. Just me.

When I first got home and we were driving into Waunakee for the first time since I left, the feeling I had was weird. Strange. I need more synonyms for weird.
Looking around, smelling the air, feeling that feeling of comfort. I knew where I was. I knew who lived there. I have friends here. I have family here. I had a life here. I know how to get to places here. I know this place. It's my home, has been for majority of my life growing up. It's familiar to me.
But I thought that as soon as I saw it I would be hit with this waterfall of excitement and comfort and familiarity and I would be happy with it.
I mean I guess I felt the comfort and familiarity to it all. But it didn't hit me hard and there wasn't a lot of excitement to it.

It's just so weird to me, because yes, I know this place like the back of my hand.
But it;s like a dream to me. I'm walking around places I haven't seen in a year, I'm hugging my mom, I'm driving past my high school, I'm talking with my friends. It brings me happiness, no problems with that.
But it's like I never left. Like this has been my life for a while now.
I'm living here as if I never left. But then I start to think about how I got here and what I was doing before and where I was last month. And it all seemed to have slipped my mind. It doesn't fit the pieces of my life here. It doesn't work with Emma in Waunakee.
That's when it starts to feel like a dream. Being home.

To add to that, I just feel funny. Last week I was excited to see my family, friends, cats, room, town...everything. But now that I finally have it...I feel...WEIRD. I don't think I regret coming home. I don't, I love my family, so no worries. I just...don't feel normal here. I feel out of place. I'm not the same as I was before I left and I'm constantly pushing myself to become the old Emma so I can fit in.
I don't expect people to change for me. That I will never ask. But I don't want to lose everything I've gained this past year.
I don't want to change, but I more than anything don't want to be that annoying exchange student who talks to much about my year abroad, brags about my own life, thinks everyone else is jealous when they get sick of hearing it, and basically puts myself above everyone else. That cannot be me. Ever.

Everything is so extremely hard. Everything! I was not prepared for that. I always knew things would feel weird when I got back, and they sure do. But I was not prepared for it to be so difficult for me.
Everyone sort of expects me to be a certain way or something. And when I don't deliver, I get funny faces or rude responses. I'm doing everything I possibly can, and it's not good enough. I feel so out of body. I feel out of every zone of comfort I've ever had. I don't know who I am. I'm confused. I'm lost. And the worst part is that there is nothing anyone can do. I just have to learn from mistakes. It's all I can do. Or just sit in my room until college. But I'd rather have a life.

So here I am, confused, frustrated, feeling confused, and missing Croatia like crazy.

I'll update everyone again, one last time on here, about how I've adjusted.

Stay cool.
And...not weird.

laters