It's been about three weeks now that I've been home.
I went to Grand Rapids this last weekend. I was actually only there for like one whole day and the night too. The next day was a Britney concert in Milwaukee...sorry...not even possible for me to miss that. But at least I went to Grand Rapids. I could have saved myself a long car ride and gas money and not have gone but I knew that Rotary wanted me there and I figured the kids who are going to Croatia this fall would appreciate it...which I may have been wrong about the last one.
But anyways that was fun. It was more fun this year than last year. Last year I was anxious and nervous and overwhelmed and unsure. This year I was relaxed, confident, and just didn't give a damn.

I'm more free now. I don't care if the way I am rubs someone the wrong way. I don't care if someone doesn't like who I am. I just act like I want and let everyone else worry about the rest.

Also at Grand Rapids, my rotary asked me to give a mini speech to all the other rebounds and the outbounds about my culture shock when I came back home. Let me tell you, I've never been good at public speaking...I don't like it. And there were like 100 to 200 kids out there listening.
So I had something in my head all ready but of course as soon as I got in front of the mic, I sort of jumbled it up and forgot things and...well...lets just say it was bad.
I think I was chosen because I was one of the only kids to say I had a difficult time adjusting back to life here. Everyone else I talked to said they hadn't really had issues. Everyone said things like this is my life, I know this, this is easy for me. Which I totally agree. Things are easy in a way being back because if I make a mistake or do something wrong, I don't care as much. These are my people, my family, my friends. I'm a little more aware of whats right here because this is where I've grown up.

What I had meant to say about my culture shock is this.
Coming home for me was different than how it was for others. But my personal experience was a little more difficult than I had expected. The best reason I think I can come up with for it being hard is because things weren't the way I had left them. I was gone for a year. Things are going to change back home. I didn't expect everything to be put on hold for me. I'm not that self-centered. But I just didn't think about how everyone would move on and how much someones life could change in just one year. My friends had all had their first year of college already. Now they all are home but I wouldn't know about it because everyone has new friends, fancy jobs, and unfortunately some have the mindset that they might be too mature for their old friends (only a few people though). My family had a new edition added. I have a new niece that I didn't leave with. Everyone has been around her and my other niece who grew so much. I'm unsure of how things are suppose to be with them around but my family sure knows what they are doing. Everyone else seems to know how to act around each other, and I feel sort of self-fish just asking like how I want to, which is all I really know.
Everyone here had moved on. And I was still living in the summer before I left. I wasn't prepared for this new life. It's just like another exchange for me. Coming home. Adjusting to this new life.
It was frustrating in the beginning for me when I came home because the life I left behind was lost. It's in the past. It's not coming back.
And the fact that nothing seemed to be where I had left it when I came home to my room and my bathroom did not help
And I have to move on to. I mean it would be impossible for me to forget Croatia. And I could never dream of ever forgetting the memories I have. But I can't stay in this place in my head. Where I'm always thinking about how that wasn't done in Croatia and how that's different than Croatia. People get annoyed hearing that.
I have to move on. It sounds sad and it's not suppose to sound so negative.
I won't forget Croatia. Never. I can't forget those people. I have so much to be thankful for because of them.

Kind of a side note. James asked me the other night, "Did you see your life differently when you were in a different country?"
It's actually a difficult question for me to answer.
Yes in a way I did. Everything looks different from a distant. You see things you didn't see and you see things you didn't think mattered. But as soon as you come back, it's hard to see it that way again. You just go back to seeing things they way you did before. It's hard to make yourself remember that. It's confusing, I suppose...

Anywho...

But this is me, beginning the next chapter. I can't keep rereading the same sentences and paragraphs on this page. I can't keep reliving that. I need to turn the page. I need to get to the next part. And here I am. Doing just that.

I'm ready to start college. I'm ready to make college friends. Get a college job. Take my college classes. Be in college debt. Do my college paper cramming. Go to those college parties. I'm ready.

This summer may be one of the most boring ones yet to come. But I'm okay with that. I'm okay with taking it easy. It's an extreme contrast between my life last year to my life now. But it's better to have the time I have to adjust than to be crammed with so many things to do and add adjusting to that.

I'm okay. That's what I want everyone to know.

Time will never truly heal the heartbreak I have from Croatia. And I'm fine with the scar it leaves behind.

But I'm fine. I'm okay. And I'm content.

I hope everyone enjoyed my blogs. I've apologized a countless amount of times for the way my writing seems to carry on without much of a point and for my strange ways of spelling things and messing up grammar.
But thank you everyone who has read this. Thanks to everyone who has been apart of my blogs. Thanks to people who were there. And thank you Croatia for giving me a year I could never forget.

Go live your life. Explore the space you haven't filled. It's okay to explore it, love it, but go back to where you were before. That's fine. As long as you're exploring, that's all that matters. Why live life in a self constructed box?

Enjoy live. It's all we have, right? And we only get one try at it.

I love you. I love Croatia. And I love me.