So I'm going to keep this post short. Short and sweet (sarcasm)
Throughout high school, I took part in many fundraisers. I put some together, I donated time, I donated money, and I worked my butt off for the most part. I spent one month of my summer in the blazing humid heat of Mississippi living in a smelly tent with two other girls getting covered in sweat and dirt doing hard labor day after day listening to the worst, most evil leader ever with the Student Conservation Association. I've stayed up all night walking and talking and wanting to pass out for Relay for Life. I was there to paint posters, hang them up, encourage students, and come up with ideas for Culture Club to only have half the student population give a shit and maybe 3 club members even bother to help me and have all of them take credit. Like seriously, I raised so much money to help other countries and no one gives or gave a damn.
I could fill my life with charitable actions and still not receive one thank you letter, one reward, or even a freaking scholarship.
Don't get me wrong, even if there wasn't a chance of getting a scholarship, I would have still done stuff. I give too much of a shit to not, which happens to be a terrible trait I found out.
It just sucks to have spent so much time building this resume of experiences to only find out that no college gives a damn.
I'm not smart enough, ethnic enough, religious enough, or just exciting enough.
I'm just pissed and this is my rant.
People always say that doing good deeds for others will pay off. Well I'm still waiting. And as far as I can see, it's only made things harder and that saying has only gotten my hopes high enough to make it hurt when nothing follows through.
Fuck charity. Fuck volunteering. No one cares if I do it or not and at this point I'm not sure if I care anymore.
I'm hurt. I'm pissed. And now I just feel stupid.
Thanks for listening to my rant.
By the way, I'm not doing college anymore. I'm giving up before I even have the chance. Who wants to spend more money than they have to only find out they aren't cut out for anything other than sitting at home and blogging about how sucky things can be.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Saturday, March 19, 2011
As a lot of people have probably come to realize, life is short. Unfortunately for some, it's too short.
I'm here in Croatia. Having the time of my life, supposedly. And I feel this incredible weight of saddness and greif that soo unbearable. I may not know the people who die young. I may not be close with them. And I may have never had a chance to share a laugh with them. But just knowing someone is enough to feel their loss. It's enough to wonder.
What am I doing with my life? How do I take advantage of it? How do I truly live each moment to it's fullest?
I'm an exchange student. I'm doing something most people never do. But still, I'm either seriously feeling pain for the loss of a life or I'm feeling like I may not be doing the most I can with mine.
Today is a sad day.
I think about losing Leah, Sara, James, Ava, my mom or my dad. The idea of it is sad. It's lonely. It's heartbreaking. It's unbearable. The actual feeling is something I either can't or won't let myself reach. I can't put myself there because I don't ever want to think it's possible. I can't possibly bring myself to imagine living each or any day without them there, safe and breathing.
These are the people who make Emma, Emma. I wouldn't be this person who has been doing what I do without having them there. They hold my hand, they listen to me, they make me smile, they infuriate me, but no matter which way it goes, I love them all with every single inch of my heart.
I don't have a lot of beliefs. I'm not religious. I don't put in a lot of thought for where life goes or where people end up, but to me, it doesn't matter. Life should be cared for. It should be loved, cherished, appreciated, and lived to it's greatest. In the end, it doesn't matter what will happen. It only matters what has been done.
To lose a friend would be just as terrible as well. To lose anyone...pain is pain. A lose is a lose.
It just makes me think. What am I doing to help? How is any of this significant enough to safe a life? What have I done?
What I do seem pointless if I can't do anything to save someone, if I can't help anyone.
I mean really, what have I done?
Sorry to turn this all around to talk about myself. But let's be honest. Everyone probably thinks this.
The people who have been extremely and devastatingly sadden by the loss of a life who was close to you, you are my inspiration.
The ability to live each day like you are normal, like you're fine, like you haven't lost a piece of yourself, it's incredible. And you are so strong. You are the people who truly live the hard lives. The life that you never feel will be the same, the life that you never feel will be full again.
Honestly, I'm not doing this for attention. I'm not the type to take miserable situations of other people and make them my own. I don't need anyone's sympathy, it's not mine to take. But death is a sad thing. And I think everyone or anyone can feel the way I do, no matter how close you are to someone.
Madi, I didn't know you like others did. And I can't say I was close to you, but I can say I will miss you. I will miss the life you never had. I will miss the life you never finished. I will miss the breaths you will never take. But in whatever religion you live by, in whatever morals you had, in whatever way you believed, wherever you are, I know it's good. I know you're fine. I know it's easier for you. You should know this, the world will not turn the same without you walking it. The people you've touched will never think, talk, feel the same as they did. Like everyone else says and knows, you ARE a beautiful person. Thank you for showing everyone how valuable a life can truly be.
RIP Madi Aiello March 20th 2011
I'm here in Croatia. Having the time of my life, supposedly. And I feel this incredible weight of saddness and greif that soo unbearable. I may not know the people who die young. I may not be close with them. And I may have never had a chance to share a laugh with them. But just knowing someone is enough to feel their loss. It's enough to wonder.
What am I doing with my life? How do I take advantage of it? How do I truly live each moment to it's fullest?
I'm an exchange student. I'm doing something most people never do. But still, I'm either seriously feeling pain for the loss of a life or I'm feeling like I may not be doing the most I can with mine.
Today is a sad day.
I think about losing Leah, Sara, James, Ava, my mom or my dad. The idea of it is sad. It's lonely. It's heartbreaking. It's unbearable. The actual feeling is something I either can't or won't let myself reach. I can't put myself there because I don't ever want to think it's possible. I can't possibly bring myself to imagine living each or any day without them there, safe and breathing.
These are the people who make Emma, Emma. I wouldn't be this person who has been doing what I do without having them there. They hold my hand, they listen to me, they make me smile, they infuriate me, but no matter which way it goes, I love them all with every single inch of my heart.
I don't have a lot of beliefs. I'm not religious. I don't put in a lot of thought for where life goes or where people end up, but to me, it doesn't matter. Life should be cared for. It should be loved, cherished, appreciated, and lived to it's greatest. In the end, it doesn't matter what will happen. It only matters what has been done.
To lose a friend would be just as terrible as well. To lose anyone...pain is pain. A lose is a lose.
It just makes me think. What am I doing to help? How is any of this significant enough to safe a life? What have I done?
What I do seem pointless if I can't do anything to save someone, if I can't help anyone.
I mean really, what have I done?
Sorry to turn this all around to talk about myself. But let's be honest. Everyone probably thinks this.
The people who have been extremely and devastatingly sadden by the loss of a life who was close to you, you are my inspiration.
The ability to live each day like you are normal, like you're fine, like you haven't lost a piece of yourself, it's incredible. And you are so strong. You are the people who truly live the hard lives. The life that you never feel will be the same, the life that you never feel will be full again.
Honestly, I'm not doing this for attention. I'm not the type to take miserable situations of other people and make them my own. I don't need anyone's sympathy, it's not mine to take. But death is a sad thing. And I think everyone or anyone can feel the way I do, no matter how close you are to someone.
Madi, I didn't know you like others did. And I can't say I was close to you, but I can say I will miss you. I will miss the life you never had. I will miss the life you never finished. I will miss the breaths you will never take. But in whatever religion you live by, in whatever morals you had, in whatever way you believed, wherever you are, I know it's good. I know you're fine. I know it's easier for you. You should know this, the world will not turn the same without you walking it. The people you've touched will never think, talk, feel the same as they did. Like everyone else says and knows, you ARE a beautiful person. Thank you for showing everyone how valuable a life can truly be.
RIP Madi Aiello March 20th 2011
Monday, March 7, 2011
Good lord. I realized I haven't put enough pictures on here. I mean most of my pictures are on Facebook. But some people who read this either don't have one or are clueless when it comes to working one. So here some random pictures of my year here. Some are recent, some are old. But yeah just a little peep show for everyone.
Oh also, I didn't mention. The Monday after getting back from Budapest, I went to Venice. And I went during Carnival. It's like Mardi Gras for those who don't know, except all of Europe celebrates it. It's a very big deal. So lots of people walk around Venice is masks and funky outfits. It was amazing. I LOVED Venice. I wouldn't live there, but I feel like everyone should go there at least once in their life. Also I had some Italian pizza...not as good as I expected, but I heard that pizza in Venice is disappointing. There are better places to go to in Italy for a good slice of Italian pizza. I got to ride a gandala too! Which is normally crazy expensive from like 75 to 100 euros a person for like 30 minutes. It was a week day and rainy so we got him to lower the price to 15 euros. Well worth it! I LOVE EUROPE!
Budapest with Jana and Emilia
Budapest
Me and Emilia with the Budapest Parliament
Me and Jana on a bus in Budapest
uhh...well...yeah...
exploring Budapest
Leaving Budapest
Me and my Czech love
Laura and I in Venice!
I freaking rode a gandala
From way back in Salzburg
Great train ride to Salzburg
Old photo from Zadar with Dani
Me being classy in Salzburg
Valentine's Day
VENICE!
Clubbing in Croatia
So like I've said I'm not a good writer. I know my flaws. It's not something I take pride in, but I put them out in the open because I'm not ashamed of myself and my imperfections.
Which on a side note, I think that people should analyze themselves more often. It's not a bad thing to do . It's okay to look at yourself in a different way. I mean, obviously not in a negative way. Like Gaga says, "There's nothing wrong with loving who you are, she said, cause God made you perfectly". Okay yes I'm not religious, so ignore that part. But anyways, I feel like self reflecting is what makes people grow. In a good way too. Without self reflection, people don't grow, emotionally, physically, and whatever other way a person could grow. But it's something I've learned through other peoples ignorance. I analyze myself, sometimes too often, and sometimes not enough. But I don't hide things. I'm open about everything, which sometimes leads to me talking loudly about tampons on a quiet tram filled with people. But still, I have no shame. What I'm trying to get across is that it's okay to open yourself up to yourself. It's not suppose to be scary, and if it is, hopefully it's for the best and you'll see what you need to fix about yourself. It's okay to make mistakes, and it's definitely okay to own up to them to yourself and to others. But hiding it only makes you naive and sometimes, yes, a little childish.
But anyways back to my poor writing skills. To the people who seem to be determined enough to read every blog, thanks. I know it's not always easy. Sometimes I'm depressing and talking about missing stuff. Sometimes I just brag like any common exchange student, which may seem like I shouldn't apologize, but I still am sorry, I mean I can't help it if my life is awesome (that's a joke, fyi for those who don't see my sarcasm). Sometimes, in a blue moon, I'm insightful. But this is who I am. This is my brain. Be thankful you don't live in my head. It's chaotic and can be a disaster. I've had 18 years with it and I'm still trying to get the hang of things up there.
I was looking at some old blogs and some comments and I'm not sure if other people can see them, which I think you can, but I just wanted to share some with people.
After one of my blogs blabbering about how I miss everyone and stuff, I got this comment:
When I got back to the US after a year in Spain, I regretted all the time I spent thinking about home while I was abroad. After returning to the US, I readjusted to the same old in no time, and then it was Spain (for you, Croatia) that I was missing. It's easier said than done, but don't worry too much about home; everyone will be there when you get back. You're not missing out; you're having an amazing year, with experiences that many will never have in their lifetime. Enjoy every day, as time is finite. When you have those days where you can physically feel the ache for home, meet up with a friend or explore some more of your city. Being around others usually got my mind off of things
She's so right. I mean now looking back at those blogs, I'm just thinking piss off Emma. You're in freaking Croatia. Enjoy it. Breath it in. Work it, girl.
Sometimes it's easier said than done, but this isn't one of those blogs so I'll avoid talking about that.
Anyways, like I said, she's totally right. This is a once in a life time experience. Most people don't get this kind of opportunity. And I'm bitching about it (excuse my language, but I am a teenager, however delusional you may be to think I'm mature, I talk like a teenager. And I won't pretend to talk like someone else does in my blogs). So, I'm taking her advice. I'll miss everything, of course. But I'll stop worrying about it. Be busy. Fill my days with memories and activities and pictures and, yes, Croatian. My life back home is waiting for me, I'm not waiting for it. I have my time here, and it's limited. I can spend the rest of my life in the states if I so choose. "Time is finite". Damn straight.
Thank you.
Another comment was from one of my earlier blogs when I first realized the constant haters that bitch about the U.S. Which I still do not stand corrected. It's true. People hate the U.S. and Americans. I mean not everyone, but I do hear a lot of people give us shit over stupid stuff.
It's like Britney's life. People take the little stupid mistakes that Britney makes along with the rest of the world, and publish it with critiques and bashing and hating basically. They take little things she does wrong and make it into a crime or something. People love to hate on Britney because A) she's fabulous and everyone's jealous (duh) B) everyone knows Britney so everyone reads about her which makes good money and good publicity and C) it makes people feel better about themselves.
So turn that all into the rest of the world being the paparazzi to the U.S.'s life and there ya go.
Haters gonna hate.
But anyways I got this from my wonderfully feminine brother, Jamesy
Well, I agree; you do come from a family of opionated people. But we're gutsy; that's why we stand up for what we believe in. But, I understand it's not really safe to do that where you are. BUT. I do believe the people around you are being extremely rude to be criticizing your home. So, would it be possible to just say, next time, "Hey, I would really appreciate it if you didn't criticize my home. I wouldn't do that to you." Maybe? I think it would be worth a shot.
Advice from afar. He's still got it.
My family=loud.
I know I've said this before but I don't think people who don't know us,\ understand how much of an understatement loud is.
We're extreme. We yell, we're crazy and extremely opinionated. We hold nothing back. It's always out there. Within seconds of meeting us, people generally know more about us then most people should that soon.
We take risks because we never know where the line is drawn. We have no feelings of embarrassments. We don't care what other people think. We say what we want. We do what we want. And God knows, we eat what we want (unrelated). But yes, next time people feel like saying crap about the U.S. I won't be quiet. I'll just be like hey, not cool. I won't go crazy defensive, but I won't be quiet and collective either, not my style.
I love you James.
Also, there's another thing I want to bring up. Coming back will be a challenge. For everyone. Not just for me. Everyone will have to fit me back in, whoever I come back as. (well not have to, but it would be appreciated if people made an effort). I'll be awkward and feel funny trying to find who I am again and how I'll fit back in the States. It'll be shaky. It's for sure. I'm different here because in order to be apart of my surroundings, I've had to blend and shift into a Croatian. Well, in a way. I'm still a little to loud for these people, and still a little careless of how I look or appear or how others may think of me. But I've changed to fit my surroundings. It's not bad. It's life. But i'll have to do the same when I get back. I literally can not remember somethings about the way I lived in the U.S. I can't remember how I acted in certain situations or who I was with certain people. I feel weird about it all. But, I may be a little ahead of myself since I have like four too short of months left, but this is a warning to all. Or at least to who ever is gracious, curious, creepy, or caring enough to read this.
Once again, thanks to everyone who takes time to read my blogs. Much appreciated.
Also I want to say real quick. I love the exchangers. They are what make my year here what it is. I feel totally myself around them.
There's no real point to this blog.
Like most things I talk about, there's not much point.
But anyways, Hello, everyone.
I miss everyone. I love everyone. I love my life, here, back home, and wherever else I may be when I'm with people as awesome as my friends and family.
I went to a rotary Masquerade.
I went as a cat.
Best. Costume. Ever.
Which on a side note, I think that people should analyze themselves more often. It's not a bad thing to do . It's okay to look at yourself in a different way. I mean, obviously not in a negative way. Like Gaga says, "There's nothing wrong with loving who you are, she said, cause God made you perfectly". Okay yes I'm not religious, so ignore that part. But anyways, I feel like self reflecting is what makes people grow. In a good way too. Without self reflection, people don't grow, emotionally, physically, and whatever other way a person could grow. But it's something I've learned through other peoples ignorance. I analyze myself, sometimes too often, and sometimes not enough. But I don't hide things. I'm open about everything, which sometimes leads to me talking loudly about tampons on a quiet tram filled with people. But still, I have no shame. What I'm trying to get across is that it's okay to open yourself up to yourself. It's not suppose to be scary, and if it is, hopefully it's for the best and you'll see what you need to fix about yourself. It's okay to make mistakes, and it's definitely okay to own up to them to yourself and to others. But hiding it only makes you naive and sometimes, yes, a little childish.
But anyways back to my poor writing skills. To the people who seem to be determined enough to read every blog, thanks. I know it's not always easy. Sometimes I'm depressing and talking about missing stuff. Sometimes I just brag like any common exchange student, which may seem like I shouldn't apologize, but I still am sorry, I mean I can't help it if my life is awesome (that's a joke, fyi for those who don't see my sarcasm). Sometimes, in a blue moon, I'm insightful. But this is who I am. This is my brain. Be thankful you don't live in my head. It's chaotic and can be a disaster. I've had 18 years with it and I'm still trying to get the hang of things up there.
I was looking at some old blogs and some comments and I'm not sure if other people can see them, which I think you can, but I just wanted to share some with people.
After one of my blogs blabbering about how I miss everyone and stuff, I got this comment:
When I got back to the US after a year in Spain, I regretted all the time I spent thinking about home while I was abroad. After returning to the US, I readjusted to the same old in no time, and then it was Spain (for you, Croatia) that I was missing. It's easier said than done, but don't worry too much about home; everyone will be there when you get back. You're not missing out; you're having an amazing year, with experiences that many will never have in their lifetime. Enjoy every day, as time is finite. When you have those days where you can physically feel the ache for home, meet up with a friend or explore some more of your city. Being around others usually got my mind off of things
She's so right. I mean now looking back at those blogs, I'm just thinking piss off Emma. You're in freaking Croatia. Enjoy it. Breath it in. Work it, girl.
Sometimes it's easier said than done, but this isn't one of those blogs so I'll avoid talking about that.
Anyways, like I said, she's totally right. This is a once in a life time experience. Most people don't get this kind of opportunity. And I'm bitching about it (excuse my language, but I am a teenager, however delusional you may be to think I'm mature, I talk like a teenager. And I won't pretend to talk like someone else does in my blogs). So, I'm taking her advice. I'll miss everything, of course. But I'll stop worrying about it. Be busy. Fill my days with memories and activities and pictures and, yes, Croatian. My life back home is waiting for me, I'm not waiting for it. I have my time here, and it's limited. I can spend the rest of my life in the states if I so choose. "Time is finite". Damn straight.
Thank you.
Another comment was from one of my earlier blogs when I first realized the constant haters that bitch about the U.S. Which I still do not stand corrected. It's true. People hate the U.S. and Americans. I mean not everyone, but I do hear a lot of people give us shit over stupid stuff.
It's like Britney's life. People take the little stupid mistakes that Britney makes along with the rest of the world, and publish it with critiques and bashing and hating basically. They take little things she does wrong and make it into a crime or something. People love to hate on Britney because A) she's fabulous and everyone's jealous (duh) B) everyone knows Britney so everyone reads about her which makes good money and good publicity and C) it makes people feel better about themselves.
So turn that all into the rest of the world being the paparazzi to the U.S.'s life and there ya go.
Haters gonna hate.
But anyways I got this from my wonderfully feminine brother, Jamesy
Well, I agree; you do come from a family of opionated people. But we're gutsy; that's why we stand up for what we believe in. But, I understand it's not really safe to do that where you are. BUT. I do believe the people around you are being extremely rude to be criticizing your home. So, would it be possible to just say, next time, "Hey, I would really appreciate it if you didn't criticize my home. I wouldn't do that to you." Maybe? I think it would be worth a shot.
Advice from afar. He's still got it.
My family=loud.
I know I've said this before but I don't think people who don't know us,\ understand how much of an understatement loud is.
We're extreme. We yell, we're crazy and extremely opinionated. We hold nothing back. It's always out there. Within seconds of meeting us, people generally know more about us then most people should that soon.
We take risks because we never know where the line is drawn. We have no feelings of embarrassments. We don't care what other people think. We say what we want. We do what we want. And God knows, we eat what we want (unrelated). But yes, next time people feel like saying crap about the U.S. I won't be quiet. I'll just be like hey, not cool. I won't go crazy defensive, but I won't be quiet and collective either, not my style.
I love you James.
Also, there's another thing I want to bring up. Coming back will be a challenge. For everyone. Not just for me. Everyone will have to fit me back in, whoever I come back as. (well not have to, but it would be appreciated if people made an effort). I'll be awkward and feel funny trying to find who I am again and how I'll fit back in the States. It'll be shaky. It's for sure. I'm different here because in order to be apart of my surroundings, I've had to blend and shift into a Croatian. Well, in a way. I'm still a little to loud for these people, and still a little careless of how I look or appear or how others may think of me. But I've changed to fit my surroundings. It's not bad. It's life. But i'll have to do the same when I get back. I literally can not remember somethings about the way I lived in the U.S. I can't remember how I acted in certain situations or who I was with certain people. I feel weird about it all. But, I may be a little ahead of myself since I have like four too short of months left, but this is a warning to all. Or at least to who ever is gracious, curious, creepy, or caring enough to read this.
Once again, thanks to everyone who takes time to read my blogs. Much appreciated.
Also I want to say real quick. I love the exchangers. They are what make my year here what it is. I feel totally myself around them.
There's no real point to this blog.
Like most things I talk about, there's not much point.
But anyways, Hello, everyone.
I miss everyone. I love everyone. I love my life, here, back home, and wherever else I may be when I'm with people as awesome as my friends and family.
I went to a rotary Masquerade.
I went as a cat.
Best. Costume. Ever.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Soooo Austria was great.
Even thought I've skied before, I guess the art of skiing is pretty easy to forget. When I was in France I played it safe on the bunny slopes and easy slopes. But in Austria, everyone wanted to do harder ones. So i figured I could handle it...but I guess I forgot how o slow down and everything...so the first day was terrible. Like incredibly terrible. So the next day my host dad took me to a baby slope near the top and practiced with me and was super patient and awesome. He taught me how to go slow and turn properly and how to control my speed. He was so nice about it, especially since he's really good. I appreciate him trying so hard to help me. But after a few tries down the baby hill, we tried doing some pretty level slopes where I went fast. Then we did the slopes I had tried to do the previous day and I had it down. Seriously, there is no better feeling then failing at something so many times and then finally getting some help and being able to master it. Its probably one of the happiest feelings I've ever had. So its safe to say that I can ski...for now...until I forget how again.
But it was also fun because I didn't feel left out. Like my last post, I mentioned how easy it is to feel not apart of the group. But my host sister was soo nice and awesome to me. And her boyfriend was super nice too. They both tried to include me. And even though my host dad's friend's english sucked, he still tried and everyone was super nice. There were times where they had their conversations in Croatian and it was too complicated and fast and I was too tired and sore to try to pay attention, but that's okay. I've gotten used to that kind of thing, so it's not big deal.
Overall I loved it.
But then I came back and the next day I left for Budapest to see my friends Emilia Cedron and Jana Prihonska. That was AWESOME!
I got off the train and as soon as I saw Emilia I ran and hugged her. She ripped a button off my jacket but I'll forgive her I suppose.
Then we went to get Jana and I ran a pretty long way to hug her too, so she better feel appreciated since I actually ran.
Emilia showed us around Budapest and we all had fun just hanging out. It was nice. Budapest, I bet, is a really pretty city. Unfortunately it didn't look so pretty because it was dim and cold and just looked boring and dirty. But I got lots of pictures and I had fun seeing my friends from the U.S. again.
But it was strange. It's a very strange feeling. I got a whiff of what it'll feel like when I return though. I'm not going to lie, I'll be full on honest. I had a overwhelming urge to just sit there and talk about Croatia the entire time. I know! It's the one thing you do NOT want to do. I tried my hardest not to, and I'm not sure how I did. But I know it's going to be a huge challenge and I will definitely be in more control when I get back to the U.S. because more than anything I do not want to be the typical exchange student who comes back thinking i'm better than everyone else and I know more than everyone else and me me me me and all this about my year abroad. I've seen people lose friends this way and I've been the friend who couldn't stand it. It sucks for everyone.
Also it just felt weird because I was seeing these guys in Europe. Hanging out in public is a lot different in Europe than it is in the U.S.
People who know me know that I'm loud, crazy, at times obnoxious, and careless of what the people around me think.
In Europe, I've been a little less careless in public. Some probably think I still am, so don't worry I'm not that boring. But I'm a little less loud I guess. It's probably because drawing attention to yourself while in a foreign country where talking in the native language is a little difficult doesn't exactly make anyone feel comfortable.
So Jana and I used to be loud crazy freaks, but we were a little more subtle in Budapest.
But I hope that when I see her again we'll still be our crazy stupid selves.
On the train back from Budapest, I was thinking...This year is my year to be crazy, you know. It's my time to be careless, carefree, and not bothered by the usual stress. But none of it matters. This year is completely irrelevant to the rest of my life. I mean yes, I'm learning things here that I can use and people I meet that I'll remember forever. But that's not what I mean. I mean that everything I do here, none of it will matter when I get back. It's all just stories. Stories to tell and stories to remember.
I don't say this in a negative way either. Some people would consider this a waste of a year. And maybe if I were reading this from a different perspective, I would see that too. But I just can't bring myself to think of any of this as a waste. I'm happy. I'm enjoying myself. I'm finally getting to be this careless person who doesn't have someone else to constantly take care of. I love my family, but here in Croatia, I'm not trying to keep the peace. I love my friends, but here, I have no fights. I've had a job since I was 14 and I've been in school for as long as I can remember, but here, I don't have to feel stressed by the idea of constantly being on time for something.
I'm free of everything. Well until June.
But I was just thinking.
This year doesn't matter. And I love it!
Also, while being away from Croatia for so long, I realized how much I freaking love it here.
I mean I've always liked it, of course. But I missed it while I was in Budapest. I missed the trams and buses and downtown and coffee and people and language.
Now I know that going home is going to be harder than I had thought.
We shall see though.
Also I go to Venice on Monday and I'll see how carnival is! I HAVE to get a mask!
Another quick thing to add.
I forealsies love my family.
and i'm sick...but it never stopped me before
Even thought I've skied before, I guess the art of skiing is pretty easy to forget. When I was in France I played it safe on the bunny slopes and easy slopes. But in Austria, everyone wanted to do harder ones. So i figured I could handle it...but I guess I forgot how o slow down and everything...so the first day was terrible. Like incredibly terrible. So the next day my host dad took me to a baby slope near the top and practiced with me and was super patient and awesome. He taught me how to go slow and turn properly and how to control my speed. He was so nice about it, especially since he's really good. I appreciate him trying so hard to help me. But after a few tries down the baby hill, we tried doing some pretty level slopes where I went fast. Then we did the slopes I had tried to do the previous day and I had it down. Seriously, there is no better feeling then failing at something so many times and then finally getting some help and being able to master it. Its probably one of the happiest feelings I've ever had. So its safe to say that I can ski...for now...until I forget how again.
But it was also fun because I didn't feel left out. Like my last post, I mentioned how easy it is to feel not apart of the group. But my host sister was soo nice and awesome to me. And her boyfriend was super nice too. They both tried to include me. And even though my host dad's friend's english sucked, he still tried and everyone was super nice. There were times where they had their conversations in Croatian and it was too complicated and fast and I was too tired and sore to try to pay attention, but that's okay. I've gotten used to that kind of thing, so it's not big deal.
Overall I loved it.
But then I came back and the next day I left for Budapest to see my friends Emilia Cedron and Jana Prihonska. That was AWESOME!
I got off the train and as soon as I saw Emilia I ran and hugged her. She ripped a button off my jacket but I'll forgive her I suppose.
Then we went to get Jana and I ran a pretty long way to hug her too, so she better feel appreciated since I actually ran.
Emilia showed us around Budapest and we all had fun just hanging out. It was nice. Budapest, I bet, is a really pretty city. Unfortunately it didn't look so pretty because it was dim and cold and just looked boring and dirty. But I got lots of pictures and I had fun seeing my friends from the U.S. again.
But it was strange. It's a very strange feeling. I got a whiff of what it'll feel like when I return though. I'm not going to lie, I'll be full on honest. I had a overwhelming urge to just sit there and talk about Croatia the entire time. I know! It's the one thing you do NOT want to do. I tried my hardest not to, and I'm not sure how I did. But I know it's going to be a huge challenge and I will definitely be in more control when I get back to the U.S. because more than anything I do not want to be the typical exchange student who comes back thinking i'm better than everyone else and I know more than everyone else and me me me me and all this about my year abroad. I've seen people lose friends this way and I've been the friend who couldn't stand it. It sucks for everyone.
Also it just felt weird because I was seeing these guys in Europe. Hanging out in public is a lot different in Europe than it is in the U.S.
People who know me know that I'm loud, crazy, at times obnoxious, and careless of what the people around me think.
In Europe, I've been a little less careless in public. Some probably think I still am, so don't worry I'm not that boring. But I'm a little less loud I guess. It's probably because drawing attention to yourself while in a foreign country where talking in the native language is a little difficult doesn't exactly make anyone feel comfortable.
So Jana and I used to be loud crazy freaks, but we were a little more subtle in Budapest.
But I hope that when I see her again we'll still be our crazy stupid selves.
On the train back from Budapest, I was thinking...This year is my year to be crazy, you know. It's my time to be careless, carefree, and not bothered by the usual stress. But none of it matters. This year is completely irrelevant to the rest of my life. I mean yes, I'm learning things here that I can use and people I meet that I'll remember forever. But that's not what I mean. I mean that everything I do here, none of it will matter when I get back. It's all just stories. Stories to tell and stories to remember.
I don't say this in a negative way either. Some people would consider this a waste of a year. And maybe if I were reading this from a different perspective, I would see that too. But I just can't bring myself to think of any of this as a waste. I'm happy. I'm enjoying myself. I'm finally getting to be this careless person who doesn't have someone else to constantly take care of. I love my family, but here in Croatia, I'm not trying to keep the peace. I love my friends, but here, I have no fights. I've had a job since I was 14 and I've been in school for as long as I can remember, but here, I don't have to feel stressed by the idea of constantly being on time for something.
I'm free of everything. Well until June.
But I was just thinking.
This year doesn't matter. And I love it!
Also, while being away from Croatia for so long, I realized how much I freaking love it here.
I mean I've always liked it, of course. But I missed it while I was in Budapest. I missed the trams and buses and downtown and coffee and people and language.
Now I know that going home is going to be harder than I had thought.
We shall see though.
Also I go to Venice on Monday and I'll see how carnival is! I HAVE to get a mask!
Another quick thing to add.
I forealsies love my family.
and i'm sick...but it never stopped me before
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Sooo...I'm leaving to go to Austria with my host family. They're taking me skiing. In any other situation, I would probably be excited. But it'll be my host dad and his friend, my host sister and her boyfriend, and then there's me. I'll be the third wheel. Which makes it even harder then normal because they will also be speaking in croatian and speaking to fast for me to follow. I mean I love my host family. They're nice. And they're freaking taking me to Austria to ski! But just being an exchange student makes it 10 times easier to feel left out.
Because everyone else always seems to know what's going on except me. Everyone else knows a language that I can't seem to master. They relate to each other easier because they're all from the same place. And I've noticed that I'm not so good at starting conversations. I'm just the English speaking American.
Woe is me.
But I get back on Sunday so I have to make it until then. And as soon as I get back I leave the next day to go to Budapest to see Emilia Cedron and Jana Prihonska. I'm soooo excited!! So that'll get me through this rough vacation to Austria.
Update you all on it later
Because everyone else always seems to know what's going on except me. Everyone else knows a language that I can't seem to master. They relate to each other easier because they're all from the same place. And I've noticed that I'm not so good at starting conversations. I'm just the English speaking American.
Woe is me.
But I get back on Sunday so I have to make it until then. And as soon as I get back I leave the next day to go to Budapest to see Emilia Cedron and Jana Prihonska. I'm soooo excited!! So that'll get me through this rough vacation to Austria.
Update you all on it later
Monday, February 7, 2011
Hello world
guess what?
I've gained weight
YAY SURPRISE didn't see that one coming
I was told way before coming to Croatia that it's guaranteed that I will gain weight. And i doubted everyone. And I'm sorry.
I've gained like 5 kilos which is possibly like 12 pounds
I wasn't the skinniest girl to start off with, but I definitely need to get my act together.
Everyone here just eats more though. Which is strange because they are all skinny here! Confusing
Everyone eats bread and potatoes and lots of meat. Not to mention the meal portions are huge. In the U.S. I eat maybe a sandwich for lunch and a small snack with it. Here, on most occasions, people have a salad, a bowl of soup, and then like a plate filled with food and usually people have seconds.
My host family I have now also bugs me about the amount I eat. I always thought I ate too much in the U.S. But they are convinced that I'm starving myself or maybe I don't like the food here. I'm fine with the food here. I just don't eat as much as they'd like. My host mom makes me a foot long sandwich everyday to take to school with me. And she comes home on her lunch breaks to bring me lunch. And when I can't eat all of the lunch, they are worried. Oh and lunch is generally around 3 or 4 here, when I would have lunch at like 1 or 2 in the U.S.
Lunch is also a big meal here too.
Oh and they don't snack so much. They just eat their meals and maybe have an apple or cookie or yogurt. But having snack foods filling the kitchen isn't so big.
So i guess this is my blog dedicated to food.
I have a whole drawer in my room filled with chips, chocolate, nutella, and junk basically.
That may be where my obesity has been coming from
Also I haven't been doing any physically activity. Soccer always got my stomach to stay somewhere where it borderline between average and tubby. Now I look preggers.
Sooooo I'm gonna go running
Ew what gross
Yes I'm gonna try to work out because this is bad bad bad
I'm going to Dubronik (super pretty big tourist destination in the southern part of Croatia) in April and hopefully it'll be warm and we'll be swimming on the beach. But I don't want to look like a whale.
Gonna get my act together folks
Sorry to blab about my current body image. it's whats on my mind and I guess I'll express myself through this blog. Enjoyyy
ALSOOO THE PACKERS WON THE SUPERBOWLL!
it sucks that I couldn't actually be in Wisconsin when we took our obviously well deserved victory and kicked those steelers where the sun don't shine. But I was able to find a site so I could watch it live. I stayed up till like 2 in the am to watch but it was worth it.
As for my current progress in the language...talking in Croatian is slow and weird. But I can write it pretty damn well and I can listen pretty well too. So I'll have to work on talking faster I suppose. I try to order things in Croatian but most people just answer me in English. It's cute to strangers when they hear me try to speak in Croatian, but they don't take it too seriously. So they just find it easier to talk in English since so many people are pretty good at it.
But I ain't complaining. It sure comes in handy sometimes. Except for when I want to practice.
I did some college papers the past few weeks. Doing scholarships while abroad is a bitch, excuse my language. But it sure ain't easy. I'm getting the normal stress that seniors usually get with getting scholarships and whether I'll have enough money to go to my college and all. So if anyone knows of any good scholarships, I would greatly appreciate any aid or advice.
Also I booked my return flight. June 19th! 8 days after the euro tour.
But thinking about my flight home got me thinking about home. So ever since I've had to discuss that, I've been missing home more than normal.
I figured at this point homesickness would be easier, but it's not. Everyday I'm reminded of something that I'm missing out on. My sisters having her baby soon. My niece's second birthday is in a few days. My little sisters performing a musical theater piece at solo ensemble and she's having her prom, which I can't help her with her make up.
I miss it a lot. I miss it incredibly and undeniably a lot. And blogging and thinking may not help. But I can't ignore the thoughts about my family. They are my family, for goodness sakes. I miss everyone and their crazy chaotic loud selves. Hansen family holds nothing back for anyone. And I miss them.
I miss my friends too. I miss the ones that would put up with my stupid pointless and stubborn arguements. I miss the ones that would do crazy things with me in public and not care what the people around us think. I miss the ones that respect me and take me seriously but still can be silly with me. I miss the ones where we'd have deep conversations about stupid things. I miss it all.
I miss Madison too. I miss all the careless and crazy people. I miss the freedom I felt when walking the streets. I miss state street and perkins.
I miss home.
I miss I miss I miss I miss I miss
yaya i know thats probably what you're thinking and now I may have bummed you out, bored you to death, or just rambled while you pretended to read all this. Whatever. But this is what's going on in Emma's head.
I love having the other exchangers as my closests friends though. We talk about this stuff and I feel close with them and tell them this stuff and they understand. We all miss home.
I got to talk to Laura about it because she understands me the most since her family isn't coming to see her either. All the other kids are fortunate enough to have family come to Croatia to see everything. Me and her have to wait till June to see our families. We don't get to show our families around the city that we've called home for the past 6 months. And it feels good that i'm not the only one going through this. So I appreciate having her around to talk to.
Ehhhh this blog is such a bummer.
First I'm fat
Now I'm a homesick loser
I'm happy don't get me wrong. I love it here and I've been enjoying myself.
I'm going to Budapest in a few weeks to see Emilia and Jana will there too, so I'm extremely excited to get to see them both.
And hopefully I can arrange some trip to go to Prague and see Jana because I miss her dearly and I don't know when I'll get to see her again :(
ahh there i go again being a debby downer
okay I'll stop ranting and go to bed
hopefully when I set my alarm to get up early to run I don't hit snooze like I did all last week
wish me luckk
peace love fatness
guess what?
I've gained weight
YAY SURPRISE didn't see that one coming
I was told way before coming to Croatia that it's guaranteed that I will gain weight. And i doubted everyone. And I'm sorry.
I've gained like 5 kilos which is possibly like 12 pounds
I wasn't the skinniest girl to start off with, but I definitely need to get my act together.
Everyone here just eats more though. Which is strange because they are all skinny here! Confusing
Everyone eats bread and potatoes and lots of meat. Not to mention the meal portions are huge. In the U.S. I eat maybe a sandwich for lunch and a small snack with it. Here, on most occasions, people have a salad, a bowl of soup, and then like a plate filled with food and usually people have seconds.
My host family I have now also bugs me about the amount I eat. I always thought I ate too much in the U.S. But they are convinced that I'm starving myself or maybe I don't like the food here. I'm fine with the food here. I just don't eat as much as they'd like. My host mom makes me a foot long sandwich everyday to take to school with me. And she comes home on her lunch breaks to bring me lunch. And when I can't eat all of the lunch, they are worried. Oh and lunch is generally around 3 or 4 here, when I would have lunch at like 1 or 2 in the U.S.
Lunch is also a big meal here too.
Oh and they don't snack so much. They just eat their meals and maybe have an apple or cookie or yogurt. But having snack foods filling the kitchen isn't so big.
So i guess this is my blog dedicated to food.
I have a whole drawer in my room filled with chips, chocolate, nutella, and junk basically.
That may be where my obesity has been coming from
Also I haven't been doing any physically activity. Soccer always got my stomach to stay somewhere where it borderline between average and tubby. Now I look preggers.
Sooooo I'm gonna go running
Ew what gross
Yes I'm gonna try to work out because this is bad bad bad
I'm going to Dubronik (super pretty big tourist destination in the southern part of Croatia) in April and hopefully it'll be warm and we'll be swimming on the beach. But I don't want to look like a whale.
Gonna get my act together folks
Sorry to blab about my current body image. it's whats on my mind and I guess I'll express myself through this blog. Enjoyyy
ALSOOO THE PACKERS WON THE SUPERBOWLL!
it sucks that I couldn't actually be in Wisconsin when we took our obviously well deserved victory and kicked those steelers where the sun don't shine. But I was able to find a site so I could watch it live. I stayed up till like 2 in the am to watch but it was worth it.
As for my current progress in the language...talking in Croatian is slow and weird. But I can write it pretty damn well and I can listen pretty well too. So I'll have to work on talking faster I suppose. I try to order things in Croatian but most people just answer me in English. It's cute to strangers when they hear me try to speak in Croatian, but they don't take it too seriously. So they just find it easier to talk in English since so many people are pretty good at it.
But I ain't complaining. It sure comes in handy sometimes. Except for when I want to practice.
I did some college papers the past few weeks. Doing scholarships while abroad is a bitch, excuse my language. But it sure ain't easy. I'm getting the normal stress that seniors usually get with getting scholarships and whether I'll have enough money to go to my college and all. So if anyone knows of any good scholarships, I would greatly appreciate any aid or advice.
Also I booked my return flight. June 19th! 8 days after the euro tour.
But thinking about my flight home got me thinking about home. So ever since I've had to discuss that, I've been missing home more than normal.
I figured at this point homesickness would be easier, but it's not. Everyday I'm reminded of something that I'm missing out on. My sisters having her baby soon. My niece's second birthday is in a few days. My little sisters performing a musical theater piece at solo ensemble and she's having her prom, which I can't help her with her make up.
I miss it a lot. I miss it incredibly and undeniably a lot. And blogging and thinking may not help. But I can't ignore the thoughts about my family. They are my family, for goodness sakes. I miss everyone and their crazy chaotic loud selves. Hansen family holds nothing back for anyone. And I miss them.
I miss my friends too. I miss the ones that would put up with my stupid pointless and stubborn arguements. I miss the ones that would do crazy things with me in public and not care what the people around us think. I miss the ones that respect me and take me seriously but still can be silly with me. I miss the ones where we'd have deep conversations about stupid things. I miss it all.
I miss Madison too. I miss all the careless and crazy people. I miss the freedom I felt when walking the streets. I miss state street and perkins.
I miss home.
I miss I miss I miss I miss I miss
yaya i know thats probably what you're thinking and now I may have bummed you out, bored you to death, or just rambled while you pretended to read all this. Whatever. But this is what's going on in Emma's head.
I love having the other exchangers as my closests friends though. We talk about this stuff and I feel close with them and tell them this stuff and they understand. We all miss home.
I got to talk to Laura about it because she understands me the most since her family isn't coming to see her either. All the other kids are fortunate enough to have family come to Croatia to see everything. Me and her have to wait till June to see our families. We don't get to show our families around the city that we've called home for the past 6 months. And it feels good that i'm not the only one going through this. So I appreciate having her around to talk to.
Ehhhh this blog is such a bummer.
First I'm fat
Now I'm a homesick loser
I'm happy don't get me wrong. I love it here and I've been enjoying myself.
I'm going to Budapest in a few weeks to see Emilia and Jana will there too, so I'm extremely excited to get to see them both.
And hopefully I can arrange some trip to go to Prague and see Jana because I miss her dearly and I don't know when I'll get to see her again :(
ahh there i go again being a debby downer
okay I'll stop ranting and go to bed
hopefully when I set my alarm to get up early to run I don't hit snooze like I did all last week
wish me luckk
peace love fatness
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